232.6lbs

After I hit publish on my post yesterday, I decided to punish myself and read my posts from last year.  Oy.  Man, I came off...very angry.  And I was at that time.  Just after the holidays.  Exhausted.  Fat.  Broke. And just super super unhappy and looking to blame anyone but myself.  Thank GOD I began seeing a therapist.

Things now are going better for me.  I'm coming to terms with who I am and not letting anyone intimidate me into being or wanting something I'm not.  I'm being honest with myself.  Yes, sometimes I would love to be a hyper-social SuperMom with a ton of kids who bakes homemade zucchini chocolate brownies for playdates and shit, goes to the gym 5 times a week, and always looks amazing.  But that's not who I am and, at the end of the day, thats not what I want.  Its okay not to want those things.  Its okay not to be a people person, and not want a ton of kids, and not know how to bake for shit, and not be perfect. I am so so far from perfect it's laughable and I feel like I spend so much time trying to figure out how to get to that perfect image.  And why? It's not even what I want.  And all it's done is make me hate myself.  I am trying to be honest with myself everyday in everything that I do.  I am trying to come to terms with who I really am as a wife, and a mom, and a daughter.  I am trying to come to terms with what I really want out of life, what would REALLY make me happy.  And some of these things arent following the narrative that I had always written for myself.  So I am trying to get rid of that fucking narrative but, man, sometimes its so hard to accept.  Sometimes I fight myself on it.

Now things are going better for me because I can recognize when I am fighting myself.  And I also recognize that it is me fighting myself, not anybody else.  It's never been about anyone else and I am sorry that I spent so much time angry at other people and blaming them for all my failures.  Yes, people have hurt me and betrayed me and wronged me but in the end I hurt myself by waiting so long to come to terms with it and move on.  I'm the one that kept it all in and fed it, fed it, fed it.  

I'm still angry at those that hurt me in the past.  But I am learning, slowly learning, how to deal with it, be honest about what it is, forgive forgive forgive, and move on.  

My gosh, life is a funny funny journey.