I never had weight problems growing up, but I was always a binge-eater.
I distinctly remember eating 8 pieces of pizza during a family party when I was 10 years old. There were boxes of pizza on the kitchen table for all us little cousins and everybody was outside hanging out. My mom served me one piece for dinner but after, while playing, I couldnt get my mind off wanting another piece. So I slipped into the kitchen and quickly ate one while nobody was looking. And then I went back and ate another, and another. I ate them quickly so I wouldnt get caught. I hid, like a true binge eater. 8 pieces later, I felt sick. Then, and only then, did I figure I had had enough.
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| Softball was my life. Me at 14 years old, 1994. |
When I was 11, my best friend joined a softball team and asked me to join with her. Although an active kid who loved to play outside, this was the first sport I tried. And I loved it. From that spring on, softball was my life. I played in a bobby sox league until I was 13 years old and then joined a year-round travel ball club. Softball kept me busy, and it kept me fit. My mom kept a stocked pantry for me (my sisters were grown and gone); cookies and chips and juice and snowballs. But she also cooked very healthy dinners. Baked chicken and grilled vegetables were a staple in my house. I grew up loving vegetables. But I also loved sugar and bread. Donuts and pastries were my favorite. I was a normal kid who would occasionally binge eat. If left to my own devices, I could polish off a whole box of Entenmann's chocolate donuts in one sitting. I did that often. Thankfully, I was playing softball at least 3 times a week so I never gained any weight. I stayed lean and strong.
I took my binge-eating to college with me. My freshman year was hard for me. I went to San Francisco State University, and all my family and friends were in Los Angeles. I was deeply, deeply homesick. And I ate. On weekends when my dormmate was away, I would order large pizzas and tons of chinese food for myself and eat it all. I would wait until the middle of the night, when I knew the other kids on my floor were asleep, to sneak off to the trash room to throw away all evidence of my food binges. Again, I hid.
I have spent a lot of my life hiding my eating.
At 24, I got my first office job. Working in an office environment was great. I loved my little cubicle, loved my coworkers, loved my job. I also loved how much junk food was constantly being brought into the communal kitchen by kind coworkers. Every morning somebody would bring in donuts, pastries, mexican pan dulce, cake, bagels, and cookies. Bread, especially sweet breads, are my absolute weakness. Every morning at work I would have coffee and some kind of pastry for breakfast. Then me and a coworker would walk across the street to the strip mall and eat at one of the fast food spots there. After lunch, I would come back and eat another pastry for my afternoon snack. I didnt think anything of it because this is how I had always eaten. But now I was 24, not 15. And I was sitting at a desk 8 hours a day, not playing softball 10 hours a week. I started putting on weight. And the more weight I gained, the more I ate. My job was in Downtown L.A. and at the time, I was living with my parents in the suburbs. L.A. traffic is brutal and my commute time was at least an hour both ways. Sometimes I would be so "hungry" (aka stressed, sad, just generally emotional), that I would hit up Jack in the Box before I got on the freeway and buy two tacos and a small coke. I would eat that "snack" while driving home. Before I got home, I would stop at a large trash bin at the liquor store down the street from the house to throw away my Jack in the Box wrappers (hiding). Then I would go home and eat a full dinner with my parents.
One time, my mom went into my room while I was at work to look for something. She peeked under my bed and found a large garbage bag full of fast food wrappers I was hiding. I would sneak off to McDonald's at night after my parents went to bed. After I was done bingeing, I would hide the wrappers in this trash bag under my bed. When I got home that night, I found the garbage bag on top of my bed. My mom never said anything and that made it so much more worse.
After about a year at my office job, I finally made enough money to afford my very own apartment. Which made my binge-eating so much easier and more frequent. I didnt really know how to cook anything other than spaghetti and Kraft Mac n Cheese. I ate fast food almost every night and because I lived alone and nobody could see exactly how much I was eating, I would buy 2 combo meals and save one for my late night binge. I was an adult now doing adult things. My stress and anxiety levels were higher than ever, so I ate so much more. Whenever I was overtired, overstressed, and overworked (which was often), I ate. I ate whenever I felt any emotion, even happiness. I ate constantly.
By the time I was 26 years old, I weighed 185 pounds. I felt terrible. I looked terrible. My self-esteem was minuscule. So one day at work, I googled "weightloss plans". After researching for a couple of days, I decided to try my hand at this new "clean eating" thing that was all over the internet. This was 2007 and The Eat Clean Diet by Tosca Reno had just come out. I bought it, read it that weekend, and by Monday I was eating clean. I cut out all fast foods, fried foods, and sugary drinks from my diet. I switched to whole wheat bread and brown rice. I taught myself how to cook simple, healthy meals: chicken stir fry on top of brown rice, ground turkey meatloaf patties with a sweet potato, baked salmon and quinoa. I started packing my lunches everyday, and filled my desk drawers with healthy snacks. I drank tons of water. And I joined a gym and began working out almost everyday. That first month, I lost almost 15 pounds. I would go on to lose more than 40 pounds total in only 4 months. I felt great, I looked great. I loved my new lifestyle. I loved eating healthy, loved nothing more than a good run on the treadmill. I weighed about 140 pounds and maintained that weight for 2 years.
In 2008 I began dating my husband. By 2009 we were living together. My husband had the metabolism of an ant and could eat whatever he wanted. So, I ate what he ate. And I began to gain weight. By my wedding day, June 26, 2010, I weighed in at 164 pounds. I was a little heavier, but I still felt great.
It all went down from there, weight-wise. I was happier than ever, married to my best friend. You know the phrase "fat and happy"? Yep, that was me. By the time I became pregnant with our son in late summer 2011, I weighed 200 pounds and then went on to gain over 60 pounds during pregnancy.
I told myself I would lose the weight after having the baby, but I never did. Although I was never diagnosed, I now believe that I suffered from postpartum depression for at least a year after I had Grey. I was deeply, deeply depressed. I felt angry everyday. And I was exhausted. So I ate. And I ate. And I ate.
In the last five years, my binge-eating has been pretty constant. If I run errands and there is a fast food restaurant in the same shopping center, I will hit the drive thru and quickly eat while running errands. I secretly like when my husband works late because that means I can have a binge after my son goes to bed at night and hide the evidence. Terrible.
Thankfully, as you've read in previous posts, I am getting help and things are looking way, way up. I feel great. But I still have issues with food. Like a true addict, I am still addicted to food. I'm just working on finding other ways to make myself happy. I haven't binged in weeks, but I can't promise that I won't binge in the future and I don't want to. I don't want to put pressure on myself like that. One day I might be feeling terrible and turn to a box of cookies for comfort. And if it's okay if I do. Until I can learn to completely turn that need off, I need to learn that sometimes I will fall. I need to learn how to pick myself up right after, dust myself off, and start over.
