243.6lbs

Yesterday marked two weeks on Phase 1 of the Gundry Diet, and although I did not meet my goal of losing 10 pounds, I think I did a great job.  I weighed in at 243.6 pounds, which is the lowest number I have seen on that damn scale in at least a year.  Losing a little over 5 pounds in two weeks might not seem like much to some, but it's really big for me because it was SO INCREDIBLY EASY.  I didnt have to track anything, I didn't have to do hours and hours of cardio, I never once felt deprived or overly hungry.  Yes, I had cravings for bread and sweets in the beginning and I still feel those cravings now and again.  But it was nothing I couldn't deal with and I have tons of other things I can snack on that won't throw me off the diet.  Diet?  Is this a diet?  It doesn't feel like it.  When I think of a diet, I think of a way of eating that one does to lose weight.  Once they lose that weight, they stop.  I don't think I'll ever stop with this.  Besides maybe the occasional cheat meal or sweet treat, I don't think I will ever eat carbs or sugar again.  I feel so much better about myself today than I did one month ago.  Times a hundred.  Times a fucking billion.  My spirit is high, I am more focused on my goals, I have more energy.  I feel like a different person.  Oy, I have such a long way to go but today, at this moment, it doesn't look like that far of a journey.

In his book, Dr. Gundry says that one should stay in Phase 1 of the diet until they have reached their goal weight.  At first, I was really intimidated by this diet and told myself I would stay in Phase 1 for only four weeks before moving on to Phase 2 (which includes adding a small amount of fruit, legumes, and whole grains to the diet).  However, after being on Phase 1 for the last couple of weeks I don't really see the need to move on to Phase 2 just yet.  Buuuuut, I am going to be making a few slight changes.  

I am adding avocado and tomato to my diet.  I am also adding a small amount of cream as well. I did like the soy creamer that I've been putting in my coffee in the morning, but I really miss my Coffeemate creamer. 

It's something that I really enjoy in the morning and, I don't know, I kinda don't want to give it up.  I get the sugar free variety, and I know it's basically Frankenmilk but...I'M JUST NOT READY TO GIVE IT UP.  

Also, I am working out.  That's a no-no on Phase 1 for some reason.  Listen, if I'm going to stay in Phase 1 for a prolonged period, I need to exercise.  Not exercising just doesn't make sense to me.  Sorry, Dr. Gundry.  

Besides those small tweaks, I am still going to follow the guidelines of Phase 1.  Leaner protein, lots of non-starchy veggies, and healthy fats.  You know what?  Phase 1 of the Gundry diet is your basic low carb, high protein diet.  I read somewhere that "low carb diets" are vague because there isn't much guideline on how many carbs you should be eating a day.  I kinda get that.  Sometimes I wonder if maybe i'm eating too many carbs with all the veggies and some of the dairy I'm eating.  I also wonder if i'm eating too much fat.  I've read and re-read Dr. Gundry's book and he never talks about specific numbers. So I guess I shouldn't be worried about it either.  

I am focusing on leaner protein, lots of veggies, a healthy amount of fats, lots of water, and a good workout routine.  

Oh, which reminds me.  This is workout routine I found by simply googling "free beginner workout plans".  I think it's perfect for me and my schedule and I can't wait to see the results.  

I can't wait for you guys to see them either!  I am hoping my first Transformation Tuesday picture will happen this Spring :)

245.8lbs

This is my first post of the week and it should be my second.

What a week.  If it wasn't one thing, it was another.  But despite all the headaches, I did pretty well with staying on track despite another blip on Wednesday night which, again, caused a gain on the scale Thursday morning.  My goal was to get to 240lbs by Monday morning weigh in and, while I don't think that is possible anymore, I am still going to try my hardest to get there.  

I have also been walking everyday for 30 minutes.  Dr. Gundry recommends no exercise during Phase 1 of the Gundry Diet, but seeing the scale go down has given me so much motivation.  Working out, if even walking at a brisk pace for 30 minutes a day, has made me so happy this week and it is something I am thankful for.  I've decided to follow a full on workout plan starting Monday (end of week 2 of Phase 1) that will incorporate cardio and strength training.  I'm going to google "beginner workout plans". I am not new to working out.  In my mid-twenties, after getting settled into an office job, I gained 25 pounds so I joined a gym and worked out almost everyday.  However, I have not consistently worked out since having my son.  So I need to start out SLOW!

I've been feeling extra anxious this week.  I have my son's 6th birthday party coming up on March 10 and its given me a reason to stay up at night.  My son's birthday party will be filled with family and friends that I love, but throwing a party for 30+ people is kinda nerve-wracking for me.  Especially because my Mom will be there.  Oy...

My mom was almost 31 years old when I was born.  She already had 10 year old and 7 year old girls and was actually on birth control when she found out she was pregnant with me.  Still though, she was happy to be pregnant and called me her "miracle baby" all throughout my childhood.  And she treated me like it, too.  I was my mom's life, her everything, her every waking breath.  I could not speak more highly of how wonderful a mother she was to me while growing up (my dad was great too, but worked a lot) and how loved and lucky I felt to be her daughter.  

When I hit high school, my mother ever constant presence in my life was starting to become suffocating.  I was not a bad kid.  Far from it.  I was a very respectful, quiet teen.  I got good grades in school, I played varsity softball all four years, and I had great friends.  However, any grasp for independence I tried was thwarted by my Mom.  She wanted to be involved in every part of my life, wanted to know everything about my friends, all my thoughts, everything.  My older sisters were grown and gone and my father worked two jobs.  My mom was a stay-at-home mom who had nothing better to do than to involve herself fully in her teen daughters life.  And it was fucking exhausting.  So I did the only thing I knew to do to get some freedom in my life.  I applied and was accepted to a college that was an 8 hour drive away.  

My first year of college was hard.  I was a 17 year old that was used to her mom taking care of damn near everything for her.  My mom was the classic helicopter parent.  If we went out and somebody asked me a question, she would answer for me.  Even in high school.  I was always her "miracle baby".  Even when I had boobs.  I was beyond, beyond sheltered.  I had a mom that literally threw herself between me and the world for as long as she could.  When I finally got out from behind her, I had no idea what to do.  And that is when my self-doubt was born.  I questioned my decisions on everything, because she did.  If I didn't call to ask her opinion on what type of elective I should register for, she would get angry and tell me that the choice I made was wrong and I should have called her.  She knew the answer to everything, I knew nothing.  She could take care of anything for me, I was just an innocent spoiled baby.  Her words, not mine.  That year went by slowly and I made very few friends.  I went to school in a beautiful city that I hardly explored because I spent most of my free time on the phone answering all the questions she asked about every waking moment of my life.  Even from 400 miles away, she had a hold on me I was trying hard to get out of.  

After a suffocating summer at home with her, I went back to college my sophomore year determined to distance myself from my mom and have my own life.  I was 19.  I was a college student living in a different city.  I wanted out. I got a job at a cafe on campus and made tons of friends.  I volunteered for on-campus activities.  I went out and explored the city.  I called my mom less.  And she was PISSED.  She accused me of having a "second life" without her and told me I was ungrateful and even went so far as to call me a bitch.  All this because I was having fun and meeting people in college.  This went on for the next 3 years.  The more independent I became, the more ungrateful a daughter I was.  It was crazy.  But I didnt let it stop me from having a great time in college and making memories with friends.  In 2002, I moved back home with my parents after my dad lost his job.  It devastated me that I didnt graduate. Both my sisters had degrees.  My not being able to stay in college, even though it wasnt really my fault, left me feeling so damn bad about myself.  I was also very unhappy that I would have to go back home and move back in with my parents at almost 22 years old.  My self-esteem collapsed on itself. I was incredibly sad about this and felt lost and was unsure of what I should do next.  I couldnt afford to go back to college.  And if not college, then what?

While I figured it out, I got a job at a restaurant and bought my first car.  I made new friends and tried to make and save as much money as I could while waitressing.  But I was 22 years old and wanted to go out with my friends.  This didnt bode well with my mom.  We fought alot about my "partying".  She made me feel so bad about myself.  I never wanted to be home, so after work I would hang out with friends and do what most 22 year olds do: drink.  I drank alot because I was unhappy with who I thought I was, which was what my mom and the verbally abusive boyfriends I kept running to told me I was: nothing.  Not worth a goddamn thing.

I had grown up and was edging out a path for myself and my mother hated that. She resented that I didnt need or ask for her opinion on every little thing.  She became so so angry at me.  In the almost two years I lived at home after college, my mom said things to me that I still can't unhear.  She called me every terrible name in the book, told me I would never amount to anything, called me a loser, said she was ashamed of me.  Even after I got a great job as an administrative assistant at a great company downtown and was doing awesome, making good money, paying all my bills, making sure to give her money every month...she still told me I was a loser.  I remember a good friend I had named Erin had decided to move to Portland to try to make a life there.  "It's a great city, Iris!" Erin told me. "It's cheaper!  We can get a two bedroom apartment for the price of a studio here!  You can get an office job, I can teach!  Let's go!"  It sounded fantastic to me.  Portland!  What an adventure!  I'll never forget what my mom told me when I mentioned the idea to her.  "You'll never do anything," she told me, in a disgusted tone.  "You'll never do anything with your life."  It broke my heart.  I believed her.  I didnt go with Erin to Portland which is a thing I regret till this day.

When I finally made enough money to afford my own apartment, I moved out. Most parents would encourage and be happy about their 20-something year old kid moving into their first apartment.  Not my mom.  The day that I moved out my mother stayed in her bedroom and refused to come out.  When I called her that night, she told me that I was an ungrateful bitch and that I was trying to start "a second life" away from her and my family.

As I've gotten older and become a responsible and independent adult, my relationship with my mom has only gotten worse.  She continuously takes every opportunity she can to criticize my decisions.  And the resentment she has towards me is palpable.  And I'm sure she feels the same way about me.  When I became engaged to my husband, I hugged her and cried.  She was very happy for me, she was.  But she could not let the moment pass without taking a dig. "I never thought you would get married," she said, hugging me.  "And to such a good man!  Do you think you deserve him?"

Several months later, I asked my mom and sisters to go wedding dress shopping with me.  After hours and hours, I found the dress of my dreams.  As I tried it on, nobody could find my mom. When she finally popped up, I told her she had missed me in the dress and asked her where she had been.  "Oh, I was over there watching that pretty girl try on HER wedding dress.  She's so petite and pretty."

On my wedding day, she almost completely ignored me.  She never gave me any compliments about on how I looked.  She didnt help me with my makeup or hair.  Any special moments a bride has with her mother on her wedding day didnt happen for me.  

When I had my son, I was still working full time.  She told me she would watch him while I worked, and I was beyond grateful.  My mom is a great grandmother.  However, giving her the responsibility of taking care of my son gave her a sense of power over me that she hadnt had in years.  And she took that inch, and tried to stretch it into a mile.  As his mom, there were certain ways that I wanted to raise my son.  My mom, obviously, overrode every one of them.  On a daily basis.  If I asked her not to do certain things regarding my son, she would turn it into a full-blown fight.  It was her way or the highway.  She would question my parenting in front of him.  If I tried to discipline him or parent him in any way in front of her, she would literally shut me down and tell him not to listen to me.  After about a year, my son obviously preferred my mom's very lax parenting style to mine.  When I would go pick him up after a long day of work, he would always want to stay a bit longer.  And she loved that.  "He doesn't even get excited when he sees you," she commented to me one day.  Her plan was working.  And then one time she asked me how I felt knowing that she was raising my son for me.  I knew my family would struggle with only one income, but I couldnt take her shit anymore.  I quit my job the next day.  Besides the rare times we ask her to watch him for a couple of hours while my husband and I go out on a date, my mom does not babysit my son.  Much less "raise" him.

My mom and I have grown distant, especially since I've moved about 40 minutes away from her.  We see her a few times a month, at most, and that is just fine with me.  She hardly ever wants to visit my house and asks that I come to her house to visit instead.  Again, totally fine with me.  Because my house is never clean enough, sunny enough, or big enough for my mom.  Once, a few months ago, we planned on her visiting my house.  I cleaned, literally, the whole day.  You could have eaten off the floor.  She came in and said, "You need to sweep the sidewalk."  Yeah, so again, i'm okay with her not coming to visit too often.  

Which brings me to my son's birthday next month and the anxiety surrounding it.  I am planning a party at the park just down the street.  My son is asking for nachos to be served, his favorite food.  So I am planning on having a nacho bar, with all the toppings you could ever want on nachos. Of course, my mom hates the idea and has told me several times.  She has also criticized every other decision I've made about the party.  I'm dreading her comments, her snide remarks about my cooking, the faces she'll make.  I'm dreading her. 

I love my mom immensely.  Let me say that again:  I love my mom immensely. But, as an adult, I find it very hard to like her.  I dont believe there is a person in my life that has hurt me more than my mother. My mom planted a seed in me at 18 years old that grew into a whole garden of low self-esteem and self-doubt. Instead of telling me to go out and conquer the world, she told me I would never be able to take care of myself.  And when I did, she told me that it wasnt good enough.  To this day, I am not good enough for her.  

For the first 18 years of my life, I was her bright shining star.  I was her baby.  I was perfect. As an independent adult, she has broken me down time and time again.  She almost revels in it.  As a mother and wife, I would love to seek advice and refuge in my mom.  Instead, any sign of weakness I show gives her ammo to destroy my already low self-esteem.  To my mom, I am her competition.  I will never understand why.

My toxic relationship with my mother and the emotions that come from that are a big focus of my therapy.  My mom's treatment of me at pivotal times in my life as a young adult has damaged my self-esteem.  I question every decision I make which has led to my issues with anxiety.  As an adult, I don't think I am good enough for anyone or anything, which has led to my issues with social anxiety.  I have a terrible self-image.  My husband can tell me I am the most beautiful woman in the world ten times a day and I will always have nagging thoughts that he is just telling me those things to make me happy and doesnt really think them.  Part of that stems from the memory of me, at 30 years old, standing in front of a mirror in a beautiful wedding dress, wanting and needing my moms approval.  And her telling me she missed that moment because she was watching the dress fitting of a "petite and pretty" girl instead.

At first, I thought my therapist would try to show me ways to work at repairing my broken relationship with my mother.  But, to my surprise, she didnt.  She told me exactly what I wanted to hear, and kinda knew all along.  She told me that my mom had made me her life, and when I eventually grew up and "left her", she took it as some sort of abandonment and hasnt been able to get over it.  Her treatment of me comes from the anger she feels for not being able to control me anymore.  And she told me it was all bullshit and was my mom's problem, not mine.  

But it's still hard and it still hurts and I still have self-doubt and I still feel so much damn resentment towards my mom.  I still feel broken.  But I am getting better, little by little.  My therapist and I are working towards making it so that I don't even hear my mom's criticisms anymore, whether in real life or the ones that have been trapped in my head.  My mom will never change and I have to deal with that.  I have to change.  I have to make myself stronger.  

I'm working on it.

246.4lbs

My first week on the Gundry Diet has been going well.  Since starting on Monday morning, I have lost almost 3 pounds so far this week.  Let me tell you, it's been a LOT easier than I thought.  The first couple of days were a bit hard because my body was getting used to no carbs and no sugar so I kept getting hunger pangs all day long.  And Wednesday I was feeling a bit tired and a little depressed.  Other than that, I have been feeling great and love seeing the scale go down.  I've been following the diet to a tee and the only blip happened on Valentine's dinner when I had a little too much red wine.  I tried stopping at one glass, but when you get me with my family and we start talking and laughing, there is no stopping.  I had almost a whole bottle to myself!  But it was Valentine's Day and I was able to stay away from the pounds of chocolate that my son brought home from his class Valentine's Day party and, other than wine I consumed, I stayed on the diet and ate a very yummy dinner of poached black cod and steamed veggies.  The next morning I saw a slight gain on the scale, which I expected. 

Something interesting happened this week.  And the timing couldnt have been more perfect because I was planning on writing a post about this dude today.  So, on Wednesday morning I woke up to a private message on my FB from an ex that I hadn't spoken to in almost 13 years.  

Today I suffer from severe low self esteem, self doubt, and social anxiety.  I believe that there are a few people in my past who have caused this, and this ex is one of them.  We'll call him Boyfriend #1 (Let me say that I've had boyfriends before this but I will call the two i'm about to write about Boyfriend #1 and Boyfriend #2 because these are the 2 boyfriends that completely destroyed me.)

When I was 21 years old, I was a senior at San Francisco State University.  I was partying way too much and not taking school seriously.  Around that time, my Dad was laid off of from a job he had been working at for more than 20 years. Because my parents could not financially support me (I was working as a waitress part time to pay for my food and spending money, but I needed help paying rent), and because I wasn't exactly doing well in my courses, we decided that it would be best for me if I withdrew from school and moved back home.  Although I knew it was the best decision for myself and my family at the time, I felt really bad that I quit school and was back living at home when my college friends were moving on to graduate and get awesome jobs.  I felt TERRIBLE about myself.  So I came back, got another waitressing job, and continued to party.  I drank alot.  I smoked a lot of weed.  I felt like a total loser.  So I drank more.  And I smoked more.  At a time when I needed someone to pick me up and help get me back on track, my mom decided to do the opposite.  She kicked me when I was down.  I remember her calling me a loser and telling me I would never amount to anything.  I already felt like a loser inside and was so scared about my future so to hear my mom confirm my feelings broke my heart and sent me spiraling.  

It was around this time that I met Boyfriend #1.  He was the new waiter at work and I had actually gone to high school with him, though we were in different social groups and I really didnt know him too well.  He was really, really cute.  A blonde, blue-eyed boy, and I've always been a sucker for that.  He was very popular with the other girls we worked with, but he zeroed in on me.  And I was completely flattered.  In the beginning, our relationship was strictly physical, which I was okay with.  I suspect he was seeing other girls at the time, which I never questioned him about because my self-esteem was already low and I wanted him any way I could get him.  I became obsessed.  Boyfriend #1 was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  There were days where he could be the sweetest person in the world, telling me he wanted a committed relationship with me and that I was so pretty, so smart, so funny, blah blah.  Then the very next day he would be reminding me we weren't in a committed relationship and that he liked other girls, including some of my friends.  He would tell me I was chubby.  He would tell me I was ugly.  We would go out to bars together and he would openly flirt with women in front of me.  One time he actually left with another girl.  Yes.  Yes......Yes.  And the next day he called me (and I actually answered) and he completely gas-lighted me, telling me I was crazy and manipulating me so much that by the end of the conversation I was apologizing to him for making such a big deal about his cheating on my basically in front of my face. 

He told me I was trash and would never amount to anything (mirroring what my mom was telling me at home) and that no man would ever want me.  He would call me on nights we werent together just to tell me he had just had sex with another girl.  The next day, he would beg me to come over.  When I did (which I always did), he would hold me and tell me how beautiful I was.  

My self esteem was at a 6 when I met him and then at a 2 when, a year later, I decided to finally get rid of him.  One day he called me up and told me that he was trying to have sex with one of my good friends and asked if I could give him her number.  I hung up the phone and severed all ties with him, including quitting my job at the restaurant we both worked at.  I got a job working at an office in downtown L.A. and my life was starting to come together.  And then I met Boyfriend #2.

He was from the East Coast and had moved to L.A. to "start a new life".  I met him on Hollywood Boulevard.  I thought he was really cute, and had a cool Ecko sweatshirt on at a time when Ecko sweatshirts were cool (this was the early 2000s).  We exchanged numbers and went out on our first date later that week.  He was really sweet at first, made me laugh, seemed like he came from a good family.  Red flags were he did not have a job, smoked even more weed than I did, and told me he had been diagnosed as clinically depressed and had violent episodes in the past.  Being that I was trying to get my own life going on the right path at that time, I should have run the other way.  But I didn't.  I saw a hurting soul, just like me.  And I thought I could fix him.  Oy.

The first couple of weeks were great.  I introduced him to my family and friends and they seemed to like him okay.  However, about a month into the relationship he became a totally different person.  He became angry and volatile.  He would pick fights with me out of nowhere.  He began picking at my appearance and personality.  He started putting ideas into my head that my friends did not like me, that my parents were ashamed of me.  I tried to break up with him about 3 months into the relationship but he completely broke down in front of me and told me he needed me and he was so alone in California without his family.  I felt bad, so I continued the relationship.  It just got worse.  Nothing I ever did or said was good enough for him.  I remember one day I bought a new little dress that I thought I looked hot in.  I remember looking at myself in the mirror while I was waiting for him to pick me up and I was so excited for him to see me in this cute little dress.  He walked into my room and I stood up, so excited and smiling, to show him me in this dress.  He just stared at me with a blank expression.  So I asked him how I looked.  And he said, "You need to shave your upper arms."  I was stunned.  

That year, during the holidays, I gained a bit of weight.  Let me just tell ya.  I was 23 years old and pretty much in my prime.  I believe I weighed about 130 pounds at the time, tops. And I have a larger frame.  I am not a small woman, so 130 pounds on my body is thin.  I believe I was wearing a size 6 at the time.  After noticing I had put on a couple pounds, I made the horrible mistake of asking for his opinion on my weight.  "Do you think i'm fat?" I asked him. "Yes," he said, without hesitation. "I only like really skinny girls so you need to lose a lot of weight."

This went on for almost two years, friends.  Yes.  I stayed with this heartthrob for almost TWO YEARS.  And it only got worse.  It only got a lot, lot worse.  He never hit me, but he said things to me about myself and my appearance that I'm still trying to get past today.  He was a horrible, sad, angry person.  And one day I was sitting with him in his apartment (that his parents paid for because he didnt have a job) and I looked over at him.  At that moment, I really SAW him for what he was.  He was an ugly, skinny, broke, uneducated, and uninteresting person that completely hated himself.  He was mean.  He was hateful.  He was a total and complete loser.  And I wanted nothing to do with him anymore.  So I broke up with him, right then and there.  While he crumbled to the floor in fake tears begging me not to go, I gathered all my stuff and walked out. 

Two years later, I began posting on the fan forum of an underground, Bay Area hip hop group I loved.  One of the other posters there was a guy from Sacramento that went by the  user name Messiah916. I thought his posts were funny and he, apparently, thought my posts were funny too.  We began private messaging eachother little by little and eventually, I gave him my phone number and we began to talk on the phone.  It was just friendship at first because, I mean, he lived in Sacramento and I live in Los Angeles. But we spoke daily and texted pretty much nonstop for more than a year.  I told him everything about myself, my family, my thoughts.  I told him everything.  He did the same.  We were best friends.  On February 9, 2009 I took a deep breath, called him up, and told him I loved him.  He told me he loved me too.  Six months later he moved to Los Angeles to be with me.  A year after that we were married.  Now 8 years later we have a beautiful almost 6 year old son.  My husband, Josh, is everything I ever dreamed about.  He has seen me at my best, and loved me.  He has seen me at my worst, and loved me. I have told him things about myself that I've never told anyone...my darkest, hardest, saddest thoughts.  And he held my hand.  He encourages me to write.  He encourages me to seek therapy.  He encourages me to speak up.  He listens to me and he believes in me.  And not once in the 10 years that I have known him has he put me down. Not once.  

Me and Josh in 2009, just a couple months after he moved to L.A.

I have married my soulmate and because of that, I feel blessed.  However, I am still suffering from self-doubt and low self-esteem.  I have so much built up resentment and anger inside of me from years of being treated like dirt by people that I loved and trusted. It has negatively effected every aspect of my life, including my weight.  But also, and more importantly, my role as a mom and wife. 

So I've started therapy and have rehashed so many terrible memories from my past.  And BOOM!  Boyfriend #1 decides to reach out to me.  Oy, friends, it was a big mistake on his part.  I was so close to deleting the message and blocking him.  But I knew it would always bother me if I didnt seize the moment and tell him how his actions and his treatment of me negatively effected my life.  So I did, in not a very nice way.  I let him have it.  I told him he was a scumbag and took advantage of my trust and need for acceptance.  I told him he was a terrible, terrible person. And I reminded him of the time he told me that I would never be good enough for any man, and I sent him a picture of my husband and I are on our wedding day.  I told him he was wrong.  

Not even two hours later, he responded.  His response was heartfelt and he seemed humbled by my response. He told me he was a different person now and that he truly felt bad for the way he treated me because I didn't deserve it.  He said that I was actually a really important lesson in his life and that I had "taught him so much about love and friendship", which is why he was reaching out to me.  So that he could mend things between us and let me know that he was truly sorry for how things went down between us and hoped we could be friends.

I read the message, deleted it, and blocked him.  Because I don't care how sorry he feels now....that guy deserves no part of me.  Not even my forgiveness.  

My therapist told me that one of the things she hoped to accomplish during our work together is to help me learn how to tell people to fuck off when they try to hurt me or put me down.  That is something that is so hard for me to do for SO MANY REASONS....

More on that next time....

248.9lbs

At my first therapy session, after we had talked about my food issues, my therapist recommended that I try the Gundry Diet.  I was familiar with the Gundry diet because last year my sister-in-law followed the diet for a few months and lost more than 30 pounds.  Back then she tried to get me on board but I remember thinking that the diet was a bit too extreme.  What I didn't know was that the diet is broken up into 3 phases.  Phase 1, or the Teardown Phase, is the most extreme.  However, you are only supposed to do this phase for, at most, 6 weeks.  My sis-in-law did it for 3 months.  Craziness. 

Are any of you familiar with the Gundry Diet?  So, it's basically a low carb, high protein diet.  Phase 1 is the strictest and you MUST follow the diet religiously in this phase in order to get the weightloss ball rolling.  In Phase 1, you focus on protein, nonstarchy vegetables, and healthy fats.  No grains of any kind, no starchy vegetables, no sugar, no fun.  Just kidding.  Kinda.  You lose a good amount of (water) weight in Phase 1.  My goal is to follow Phase 1 for 4 weeks and lose 10-12 pounds. 

I'll begin Phase 2, or the Restoration Phase, on March 12.  Phase 2 is awesome because you can start eating small portions of fruit, whole grains, and legumes.  Yum!  (God, I can't wait until Phase 2).  That phase should last until you have met your goal weight (my goal weight is 160 pounds).  Dr. Gundry says you should lose about 4 pounds a month during Phase 2.  However, he doesnt mention anything about exercise, which I plan on doing.  With cardio and strength training added in, my goal is to lose 6-7 pounds a month on Phase 2. 

Phase 3, or the Longevity Phase, is the final phase.  Dr. Gundry recommends that we follow a low carb, plant-and-protein based diet for the rest of our lives in order to live a long, healthy life.  Sounds good to me :)

Yesterday was my first day of Phase 1 and at the start of the day, I weighed in at 248.9lbs.  Today I weighed myself again (I will be weighing myself every day during Phase 1.  I know that is a big no-no to a lot of people, but i've always enjoyed weighing myself everyday while I diet to see where I'm at) and I weighed in at 246.6 pounds.  Later on today, I am going to take full body pictures of myself to mark the start of Phase 1.  At the end of Phase 1, I will post both before and after pics.  The changes will probably only be slightly visible at that time, but I want to document everything!

My diet in the next 4 weeks will be pretty simple, but healthy.  For breakfast I will be eating two eggs (either scrambled or fried) cooked with olive oil, and turkey bacon.  For a mid morning snack I will be eating a 1/4 cup of raw almonds.  Lunch will be protein and veggies (spinach salad topped with tuna, chicken wrap, lettuce-wrapped burger).  Afternoon snack will be some more almonds.  Dinner will be protein and sauteed veggies.  Night time snack will be a glass of red wine, WHICH IS ALLOWED (!!!!!!)

Oh, it's gonna be hard, friends.  I'm not pretending it's not going to be.  The next four weeks are going to be hard (the first two weeks will be downright painful), but this diet is something I really believe in and really feel is right for me and my health and my life.  

I mean, it's all in my head....that's where the 'hard' is coming from.  I need to figure out that 80% of the time I ate, was because I was bored and trying to comfort myself.  In therapy, I've come to realize that I went from comforting myself with weed to comforting myself with food. What I need to learn to do is deal with my problems, speak up, and quit holding it all inside....where it all has formed a huge huge hole that I have been desperately trying to fill up with food.

Ahh, but more about that next time.

Stop Running

The more things change, the more they stay the same.  

I am 37 years old and still struggling with the same demons I'd convinced myself I had chased off ten years ago, and ten years before that.  The only difference now is that I can be honest with myself and say that I can't name those demons, and I'm not even sure why they're there.  

This started off as a weight loss blog, but I think it's got to get much deeper than that if I ever want to change.  I think I need to start peeling off layers, and these layers run deeper than my physical body.  

I can keep running in circles around myself, making lists of weight loss goals and ways I am gonna get there.  Or I can stop running, sit, and listen to myself.  I choose to stop running.  

Last Saturday I saw my first therapist. I told her I could see the woman I was meant to be.  I could see her clear as day.  And I've been trying to get to her, but I have all this shit on the road in front of me that I couldn't move.  Not even one step.  I plan the step, I see the step, I write the step down.  I tell myself, "Iris, you are going to take that step."  But my feet are like concrete blocks.  I can't move.  I'm stuck.

It all ties together, these layers of fat and these layers of pain.  And man, they're starting to really weigh me down. 

I cried and talked for almost an hour.  And at the end of the hour she told me I was going to be okay and that she was going to help me clear that road, and come up for air.  And I believed her.  

I'm obese, sad, angry, hurt, and lost.  But i'm hopeful.  I have so so much hope for myself.

Saturday is my next appointment with my therapist and I feel like the more I talk to her, the more I write here.  Once it comes, it will start pouring.  And once it starts pouring, the weight will start coming off.

To all that are reading this:  thank you for reading this.  My feet are concrete blocks but I swear, I swear, I swear, my eyes are focused on the woman at the end of that long, long road.